Hello,video-gamers! Or should I say deviant-artists? Dunno, I'll be experimenting with that. Or not.
It's been a while since I wrote an actual Journal and not just filled space with pointless tags (not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you). But... these are special circumstances, I guess. That or so mind-numbingly ordinary that it's to be
expected from me.
I, my fellow deviants, am deeply unhappy. And I have been for years. Like... three years or so. And... while I won't go into detail as to why, one of the factors has just worsened.
For a while and almost half a year after our second breakup, my ex-ex (because in the meantime I had another girlfriend, but that also went nowhere), B. and I have kept in touch. In the surface and the reason I keep repeating myself, because I want to have Nightwing's superpower, which is being in excellent terms with his many, many exes. More deeply, because she's very, very attractive and, much to my detriment, I refuse to entirely bury my feelings for her. So, you might say that I brought the next paragraphs on me and it's my fault alone. And you may be right, I'm not here to seach for guilty parties. Fishing for pity, maybe, but not searching for someone to pin the blame on.
And... it all was well, somehow. Well, with its obvious downs, like my emotional health degrading very quickly any time we met, me turning into a neurotic mess just before meeting and so on, but... you know, nothing I haven't gone through before or that I can't handle. Last year, thanks to a few mixed messages and misunderstanding from the beginning from my part, I... thought she wanted us to meet because she wanted us to be back (that despite her obvious boyfriend, but I guess we just don't see what we don't want to). Long story short, after I spat out all these remnant feelings, she said we should stay friends, and I agreed. Better than nothing, I suppose.
So, after deciding to be friends, things more or less stabilized between us.We stayed constantly in touch with each other and since I already had stopped to expect anything from her (or so I kept telling myself), she had the higher ground, constantly leading me on, but dropping "accidentally" reminders that nothing would ever happen. And I just kind of accepted it, as it was still better than nothing. But, as of today, things have changed. I'm not sure if for better or for worse. She kept insisting all week that we should meet, only to ask for a raincheck every time. I'd like to believe she had perfectly valid reasons not to show up (not that I showed up, either, so there's that), but given her past track record, well... let's just say I'd rather give her the benefit of doubt. Anyways, she finally settled for us to see each other in the morning, just before leaving for San Miguel (you see, this week I had been visiting my brothers in San Luis, where she happens to live as well), and, since my brother wanted to leave really early we were a bit short on time, so, to excuse myself by making matters pressing without implying that I wanted to leave her side (because I really didn't want to), I said that I should leave and that everyone was probably already angry at me by then, and then I went to explain that no one of my acquaintances liked her (probably my fault, too), and whil she didn't said anything about it at first, I pressed the issue in an effort to be funny (I... kinda keep hitting and missing with the whole "being funny" and "clever" things...) and she said it was the last time she sought me out, when asked why (I'm dense like that), she refused to tell me until, back at the house, via texting, and while saying goodbye, she told me in a very sharp way that she wouldn't seek me out anymore because she didn't want to cause me any more problems with my family. It hit me like a ton of bricks, insert sudden realization, blah, blah. I immediately started apologizing and went on to explain that I only brought it up because I wanted it to be clear that I didn't want to go, but I had to, and that, of all the reasons I have to have problems at home, she was the one that I thought was worth it. And... communication ceased. She's obviously offended and angry at me (and with good reason, too), and, while my inner voice of reason tells me having her permanently out of my life it's actually an improvement, I really don't want to lose... whatever is left of us. Hence the title, because I'm very attached to the memories of our relationship because, honestly, I can't remember being happier before or since. Then again, I can't remember being more miserable, more actually, truly, depressed than when we broke up. But, even with the obvious imbalance between the good and the bad, the fact remains that the happiest I have ever been was when we were together. Literally together, I went through horrible mood swings when I had to depart back to Guanajuato. Which is... kinda sad, actually.
Gee. Thanks for reading my wall of whining.
Listening to: The Lives We Left Behind - Michiru Yamane
Reading: X-Men: Battle of the Atom
Playing: Pokémon Platinum