'I' is for 'Inertia'

Hello video gamers!!

Today's journal is brought to you by the letter "I", as in "inertia".
Which, in all seriousness, has become the main driving force of my life. From a while now, I've been pretty much just letting things happen, and that was even before B. came on stage.
Now, I normally woudln't mind (much) being apathetic and aimless, but a recent conversation with a friend and the surrounding events made me really think of it as a dire situation.
And then it brought another set of dire situations, but first things first.
Yesterday, a friend I hadn't seen in months, and that, on top of it, was once a would-be girlfriend of mine (that ended horribly, by the way), invited me over to a cafe, under the premise that it was her free day and she hadn't really seen anyone in the whole day. So I went over, I mean, why not? It wasn't like I had any reason to think there was more than that. It wasn't a date by any means, and so I took it more or less like a mere assignment. She was alone, and I was going to be over to provide company. And that's all there is to it. No expectations. "Nothing promised, no regrets", as an Abba song says.
And as we talked of the old days and how crazy things were back then, she asked the dreaded question "how's school going?" and after answering I don't like to talk about that, she playfully hit me and said she'd really be mad at me unless I put some effort there. Which, to be honest, is entirely understandable. Then she asked me why was I doing so badly at school and whatever happened to me, two questions that pop up quite often in my inner monologues but I'm  rather afraid to dig deeper in search for the answer.
As the night went on and on to become early morning, I finally walked her home after being to Los Lobos (awesome rock bar) and then to some salsa dance hall (those who live in Guanajuato know where this infamous place is), and I finally came up with an answer. I simply stopped expecting anything from life. Good or bad, after a while it was all the same for me, I stopped doing anything about anything and simply let things happen. In the end, going over to that cafe left me with a valuable piece of knowledge about myself. Wether that ends up being useful, however (and unfortunately), is entirely up to me.
That night, I also learned another thing. One less useful and valuable,  but on the short run more threatening. I still like her. And not as in "mildly attracted", but as in actually drawn to her, as if she irradiated some sort of magnetic or gravitational pull. Me being me, however, I was able to rationalize it. Mainly, she has a great personality (truly great, you could say she is fun personified), she is wild to the extent that it isn't her who can keep up with me, but I have trouble keeping up her pace, she has a very likeable face, and she is a storm of pheromones (and intoxicating ones, at that). Fortunately, I'm mature enough to know better than expecting something other than filial bonding to come out of any association between the two of us, and to know that is better to keep my distance in this case. I still remember all too well what happened to us last time. Other than that, I don't know how to manage this, though. Especially when, after only a few hours of being with her and trying to convince myself that what happened between us was water under the bridge, I was aching for a kiss. Maybe that's only because I'm, well, a man? Maybe I'm just hopelessly trying to rationalize that last one?
But don't get me wrong, I actually enjoyed the night. I think we both did, actually. But still...
And that is all by now.